


How To Not Murder A Time Lord

by Irrepressable



Series: How To [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Donna is frustrated, F/M, How-to, The Doctor is a chicken, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-04-04 17:43:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14025357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrepressable/pseuds/Irrepressable
Summary: Donna Noble is ready and willing to seduce the Doctor. However, the Doctor insists on making things difficult.





	1. The Seduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, dear readers. It's me again. I don't necessarily ship Ten/Donna, but they are my mother's OTP. I've written two Ten/Donna fics so far and I figured that it's time for me to write a fic that takes place between the two fics. That is why I decided to write How To Not Murder A Time Lord. I hope that the Ten/Donna shippers out there will be happy with this.

Donna Noble was somewhat pleased and also slightly confused by the changes in her relationship with the Doctor. She hadn't been aware of his initial attempts at wooing her, but looking back on it, those attempts had been adorably incompetent. For someone who was probably the smartest being in the universe, the Doctor really was an idiot. He was an adorable idiot, though. Now they were in a romantic relationship. They had been for a few months. There was still the running for their lives to avoid being arrested/married to alien royalty/disintegrated but the times in between were simply lovely. The Doctor was charming as always. Sometimes it was because of his fumbling and inability to shut up. Other times, he had that expression, the one where he could soak knickers with a single smirk. Was he even aware of it? Donna could never be sure. This was the Doctor and he was a master of mixed signals. Lately the mixed signals had been exceptionally frustrating because now that they were together, there were times when Donna wanted to jump the Doctor and do rather adult-oriented things with him.

　

Today, she decided, she would seduce him. She had looked up some information on the internet and would definitely do it. Oh, yes. The Doctor would be putty in her hands. With that thought in mind, Donna headed to the console room. The Doctor was currently doing some repairs on the TARDIS and seemed thoroughly occupied. He was not wearing his jacket and he was covered in streaks of grease, or at least a grease-like substance.

　

How To Gain His Interest

　

**1\. Have Confidence** : **Men are attracted to confidence. In fact, many men find confidence more attractive than pure physical beauty. Try to be more assertive. It's important to feel confident and attractive when trying to gain the interest of a man. In other words, do not try to be something you are not. Be up front.**

　

Donna was generally a confident person, so this would not be all that difficult. She walked up to the Doctor and grabbed his legs. She then pulled him out from under the console. The expression on his face was one of mild irritation. "Donna, as much as I'd love to converse with you, the TARDIS really needs these repairs."

　

The Time Lord stood up and almost brought a grease-covered hand up to caress Donna's face, but he paused before returning his hand to his side. Donna smiled at the Doctor and said, "I think that we need to go on an adventure."

　

"I told you, Donna, the TARDIS needs repairs." the Doctor replied.

　

"Are they that important?" Donna asked impatiently

　

"Very important." the Doctor said with a nod.

　

A groan came from the TARDIS and the Doctor walked over to the console. "Oh, don't be like that." The Time Lord cooed. He then pressed a kiss to the console. "The Doctor is going to take care of you."

　

Donna raised a brow and asked, "Are you dating me or the ship?"

　

"You, of course." The Doctor said with a raised brow.

　

"All right." Donna said with a grin, which faded when the Doctor spoke up again.

　

"With you onboard, it's much less lonely." the Time Lord said in an I've-definitely-slept-with-my-ship tone. "It's not just me and the TARDIS."

　

Oh god. Donna really didn't need to hear this. She knew that if she directly accused the Doctor of being intimate with his ship, he would probably deny it. In a cool voice, the redhead said, "Well, as long as you don't try any infidelity with your bloody ship, I won't ask questions."

　

"Whatever gave you that idea?" the Doctor asked innocently.

　

Donna opened her mouth, closed it, and spoke once more. "You know what? Never mind. Just... do your repairs."

　

With that said, Donna walked away. That was one of the weirdest things she had ever experienced, and she travelled with the Doctor. As she walked out of the console room, she didn't look back to see the confused expression on the Doctor's face.

　

ooooooooooooooooo

　

2\. Dress In A Flattering Fashion: If you're trying to seduce a man, make sure you dress in a flattering fashion to get his attention. Confidence is key. If you don't feel sexy, you won't appear that way to a man. If you're more comfortable in jeans and tees, try picking a flattering, sexy casual outfit rather than forcing yourself into an evening gown.

　

Donna searched through her wardrobe to find an outfit that would gain the Doctor's attention. Miniskirt? No, she wasn't 21 anymore. Cocktail dress? Too much leg. Lingerie? That was way too up front. She wanted to seduce the pants off the Doctor, not scare them off. The TARDIS had put some rather risque outfits in Donna's wardrobe. Sometimes she wondered if the ship was messing with her after that comment about infidelity with the TARDIS. Donna let out a sigh and said, "I'm sorry, okay? I know that you and the Doctor's relationship is platonic. I shouldn't have implied otherwise."

　

The TARDIS let out an approving hum. Donna returned her attention to searching through her clothes. Finally, she found it. It was a calf-length sundress, white with little bananas embroided on the right lower side of the skirt. It was silly but rather adorable. After putting on a strapless push-up bra, she slipped the dress on. She took a look at herself in the full-length mirror. It showed just enough leg and enough cleavage to tease without being indecent. It was demure but sexy. Oh, yes. This was definitely the right outfit to seduce the Doctor.

　

Donna searched for a while before locating the Doctor in the ship's green house. The Time Lord was barefoot, with his jacket hanging off of a lawn chair and his sleeves rolled up. He looked gorgeous in the warm but digitally generated sunlight. He looked like he was harvesting some plants. He already had a basket full of plump, juicy-looking strawberries. As the Doctor placed a stalk of the plant he was harvesting in the basket, Donna cleared her throat. The Time Lord looked at his companion and smiled. A smudge of dirt was on his left cheek. God, he looked scrumptious. "Hello, Donna!" the Doctor said cheerfully.

　

"Hello, Doctor." Donna replied before asking, "What are you doing?"

　

"Picking strawberries and rhubarb." the Doctor replied. "I'm going to make a pie later. With any luck, I won't burn it this time."

　

"That sounds like something worth trying." Donna said. She sat down on the lawn chair, making sure to flutter her skirt.

　

The Time Lord glanced at her and said, "Nice dress, by the way?"

　

"Thanks." Donna replied with a smile before coyly saying, "Does it give you any _ideas_?"

　

"Of course." the Doctor said, standing up. Donna's face fell when the Doctor continued, "It reminds me that I need to pick the bananas."

　

With that said, the Time Lord walked off. Donna let out a groan and facepalmed. Why, oh why, was the Doctor so oblivious to her attempts at getting his attention? She had to look up more information on how to seduce a man. Surely at least one of these things would work.

　

ooooooooooooooooooo

　

3\. Use Body Language: Do not be afraid to use your body to flirt. This can help a man see you are interested in him sexually. Sit up straight and do not lower your chin. This makes you look confident about your body. Do not be afraid to use gentle, light touches. Touch his arm or shoulder. Place your hand on his knee. Tug at his hair.

　

"Don't you just love parties, Donna?" the Doctor asked, adjusting his tie.

　

For a moment, Donna was distracted by just how dashing her Time Lord looked in that tuxedo. She herself was dressed in a calf-length burgundy strapless bodycon dress that she felt slightly self-conscious in. She decided to wear a faux fur shawl with it. "I'd better not be kidnapped and almost get kidnapped by a handsy duke again." Donna drawled.

　

"I'll keep an eye out for perverted men who want to grope you if you keep an eye out for crazy women who want to marry me." the Doctor replied.

　

"I'm your girlfriend, so I'd be pissed off if someone else married you." Donna said irritably.

　

The Doctor raised a brow and teasingly said, "Why, Donna Noble, is that an offer?"

　

Donna blushed and glared at the Doctor as she smacked him in the back of the head. Getting the message, the Time Lord said, "All right, no more jokes about weddings, then."

　

"You'd better not do it again." Donna said. She adjusted her shawl and continued, "Now, let's get to that party."

　

"All right." the Doctor replied. "Just make sure that I don't invent any cocktails centuries ahead of time if I get drunk."

　

"Wait, what?" Donna was confused.

　

The Doctor rubbed the back of his head awkwardly and said, "Ah, never mind."

　

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

To Donna's relief, the Doctor had gotten three hours into the party without getting drunk thanks to his weird Time Lord biology. After the 'magic' show was over, the Doctor had spent a while twirling his companion around the dance floor before her feet began to get sore and she had to stop. The Doctor walked away, much to Donna's annoyance. Fortunately, he returned quickly. This time, he had a champagne flute for her and a banana daiquiri for himself. He then sat down to her. With a smile, the Time Lord said, "Having fun, Donna Noble?"

　

"A lot of fun." Donna replied with a smile.

　

"Good." the Doctor said. "I can't wait to get you back out on the dance floor."

　

Donna placed a hand on the Doctor's shoulder and said, "That sounds like fun."

　

"Oh, very much so." the Doctor replied. "Then, I'll try the banana sorbet with banana nut biscuits!"

　

Donna smirked and placed a hand on the Time Lord's thigh. "I can think of _other_ things that we could do for fun." The human said seductively.

　

"Like what?" the Doctor asked, still not getting the message.

　

"Things that involve," Donna glanced around before whispering in the Doctor's ear, " _the coat closet_."

　

"I know exactly what you are thinking." The Doctor said smoothly.

　

"How wonderful." Donna said, reaching up to stroke the Time Lord's hair.

　

Unfortunately, it was not to be. With a grin, the Doctor continued, "I've always wanted to count the buttons on the coats in that room."

　

Donna groaned and facepalmed. The Doctor raised a brow and asked, "What's wrong?"

　

"It's nothing." Donna snapped. "I just..."

　

"You just what?" the Doctor asked. "You can tell me, Donna."

　

4\. Men tend to be up front about sexual desire. They respond well to blunt suggestions, so don't be shy about expressing what you want.

　

"I want to go into the coat closet and have my way with you!" Donna hissed in the Doctor's ear.

　

"Wait, what?" the Doctor said dumbly.

　

"Do I have to spell it out?" Donna groaned. "You, me, in the closet, doing filthy things with our sexy bits."

　

The Doctor was silent for a moment. Donna raised a brow and said, "Well?"

　

The Doctor searched for an excuse before saying, "I, ah, don't have a condom! You're ovulating!"

　

"Doctor, I have an IUD." Donna said, rolling her eyes.

　

"Um, I have crabs!" the Doctor said fearfully.

　

"Wait, what?" Donna was annoyed at this.

　

"Yes!" the Doctor replied. "In the galley, ready to cook! We need supper! Yes, supper!"

　

With that said, the Time Lord bolted from the ballroom. Donna knew that she would be able to find him in the TARDIS. Why he was so afraid, she didn't know. What she did know was that she had to look up some more information: how to be patient with your significant other.

　

　

 


	2. Trying Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After finishing Unexpected, I figured that it was time that I got back to this story. I haven't checked the hits to see how popular it is. This isn't necessarily my OTP, but it's still fun to write about.

Donna had enjoyed a lovely crab boil with the Doctor, but she was still frustrated. As the night went on, she lay in bed thinking about what to do. Around five in the morning, she gave up and got out of bed. She had a dressing gown on over her three-piece sleepwear, which consisted of a soft camisole and a fluffy hoodie and shorts, which had the word 'FOXY' printed on the bum. It had been a present from the Doctor. She appreciated the thought and the pyjamas were very, very comfortable. In a pair of cute, fluffy socks colored like a fox's paws, she quietly padded over to her computer, where she accessed the information she needed. When she saw what she needed to do, she smiled. She just had to wait a few hours.

　

Around seven in the morning, Donna headed to the galley to make something to eat. She turned the cooker on and put some pans on the cooker. She added a bit of butter before putting few slices of bacon in one pan and cracking some eggs into the other pan. The air was filled with the smell of cooking breakfast and she knew that wherever the Doctor was, whether he was sleeping or awake, he would be drawn to the smell of delicious breakfast. Whistling cheerfully, ginger woman started slicing some bread. Since she had started travelling on the TARDIS, the cooking shows that she had watched in her spare time were starting to pay off.

　

Eventually, he heard footsteps as an undoubtedly drooling Doctor made his way into the galley. Donna glanced back at him and saw that his eyes were wide. In an almost reverent voice, the Time Lord said, "I smell bacon."

　

"Breakfast is almost ready." Donna said as she popped a few slices of bread in the large-capacity toaster.

　

The Doctor sat down at the table with an eager expression on his face. Soon, the toast popped up. Donna removed the bacon and eggs from the heat, putting the two protein-filled items on a plate for each of them. The human female added jam to the toast and, as an afterthought, whipped up a banana smoothie for her favorite Time Lord. Donna quickly set the table before placing one plate down on her side of the table and one plate on her side. Silently, she prayed that she hadn't burned anything too badly. The eggs looked a little crisp around the edges. The Doctor picked up his fork and took a bite of the eggs. He smiled a cheerful smile and said, "Well done, Donna Noble! The eggs are only slightly burnt this time!"

　

"Thanks, I think." Donna said with a slight frown.

　

"You're very welcome." the Doctor replied.

　

Donna paused to think for a while before asking, "So, how have the repairs and upgrades been going?"

　

"They're going very well." the Doctor replied happily. "The only problem is that the TARDIS is rather touchy about her-"

　

The Time Lord then proceeded to launch into anecdote featuring technical terms that were way beyond Donna's understanding. There was also the use of advanced quantum physics lecturing. Eventually, Donna started to tune him out and wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. The Doctor finally finished, "- straight in my kneecap with an arrow."

　

"That's interesting." Donna lied.

　

"What alien archers were doing in Amsterdam is anyone's guess." the Doctor said. "After I recovered, I walked into a cafe and sat down to enjoy myself. I struck up a conversation with an interesting person, who invited me to a pub not far away for a few drinks. When I came to the next morning, I was lying on my back in someone's garden, completely nude, with a full English breakfast on my chest. I smelled like Chanel No. 5 and pork scratchings for almost a week afterwards."

　

"What the hell happened to you that night?" Donna was extremely perplexed.

　

"I have no idea." the Time Lord admitted. "If I knew, I would tell you. Or not. I don't kiss and tell. Unrelated question. Do they have strip karaoke on this planet?"

　

"Strip karaoke?" Donna questioned. "What the hell is strip karaoke?"

　

"It's like strip snakes and ladders, only without the chafing." the Doctor replied.

　

"Chafing? What-" Donna shook her head. "Never mind. I don't want to know."

　

"At least it's not Krupnian 'street rules' Twister." the Time Lord said. "You'd need a tetanus shot for that one."

　

"I don't think I want to know more about that one." the human female said.

　

"It's up to you." the Doctor said with a shrug.

　

The two continued to banter for a while until they were finished with their breakfast. The Doctor, courteously enough, decided to help wash the dishes. As he dried a plate, the Time Lord said, "By the way, the gravity is malfunctioning in the master bathroom. It's heavier than usual. I'd recommend using one of the guest bathrooms."

　

"I appreciate the thought." Donna said with a smile.

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

About an hour later, Donna was in the shower. She was deep in thought and the water was loud, so she couldn't hear the Doctor knocking on the door. The Time Lord squeezed his knees together and squirmed. He had to wee in the worst way possible. She was in one of the guest bathrooms and the other ones were out of service. He needed to make repairs. He couldn't use the master bathroom. He had to wait. So he stayed there, hopping in place. He let out a whimper. He had to go soooo bad!

　

The Doctor tried waiting a little longer, but he couldn't. Left with no choice, he quickly made up his mind and hurried over to the master bathroom. He did the potty dance over to the toilet and he quickly flipped the seat up before unzipping his trousers and pulling out his manly meat missile. He let out a sigh of relief as he emptied his bladder. While he was doing this, he accidentally bumped the toilet lid. The increased gravity sent it hurtling down, slamming the lid shut on Little Doctor. He let out an ear-splitting scream that, for some reason, Donna didn't hear.

　

The Time Lord washed his hands because he wasn't an animal and limped over to the med bay. He performed a few scans on his abused member to see what the damage was. To his relief, the damage wasn't severe. He just knew that he would have to avoid any private fun-time festivities for a while. That meant that he wasn't allowed to cuddle his kielbasa, so to speak. So, he took a couple pain pills and headed off to wait for Donna to finish her shower.

　

oooooooooooooooooo

　

Donna stepped out of the guest bathroom, dressed in an ankle-length, fluffy, blue dressing gown with little cups of espresso, lattes, and cappuccinos printed on it. Her hair was toweled mostly-dry and she was feeling a little frisky. She decided to seek the Doctor out with one goal in mind. She wanted him to stick his banana in her fruit salad, so to speak. Hopefully this time, he wouldn't be a coward. Donna was a grown woman. She was a grown woman with _needs_. It had been a long, _long_ time since anyone had swept her chimney, so to speak. She wanted it and she wanted it _bad_. She couldn't help it. The Doctor was a nearly constant source of sexual frustration for her. Even though they were currently a couple of sorts, she knew that she wasn't entitled to his body in any way, shape, or form. However, that didn't mean that she wasn't going to try to seduce him. She wasn't a completely unattractive woman. She was fairly good looking, in an unassuming, girl-next-door kind of way. Well, more like woman-next-door. She hadn't been a _girl_ in a while. She was still in the prime of her life, so she was in no way giving up on the idea of a love life unless the Doctor told her that he never, ever wanted to have sex with her. That idea was rather upsetting, but she respected her favorite Time Lord too much to try to underhandedly coerce him into doing the deed if he didn't want to. No, if there was still a chance, she would bide her time. In the meantime, she would try to deal with this pesky frustration for this day's attempt at seducing the Doctor.

　

Donna headed to her room and got dressed. She wore a white jumper, a pair of jeans, and, just in case, a push-up bra. Her breasts were still quite well-formed and not at all saggy-looking, but they weren't as perky as they were when she was 21. Was the Doctor a breast man? She didn't know, but it never hurt to be prepared. Steeling herself for the possibility of rejection, the redhead searched for the Doctor until she found him in the common room. She saw the back of his head from the other side of the couch. It was time for some aggressive cuddling, so to speak. With a smile on her face, she walked around the sofa. In a sultry voice, Donna said, "Hello, Doctor. Have you been waiting for me?"

　

It was then that Donna spotted the cold pack that the Time Lord was holding to his groin. The human female's eyes widened and she asked, "Doctor, what happened to you?"

　

The Time Lord grimaced and said. "Master bathroom. Gravity. Toilet seat."

　

Donna sat down next to the Doctor and asked, "Oh my god, are you okay?"

　

"As okay as I can be with an injured penis." the Doctor said.

　

"Is there anything I can do?" Donna asked.

　

"No." the Doctor said. He then smiled awkwardly and said, "It looks like doing the dirty deed is off the table for now."

　

The human placed a comforting hand on the Time Lord's shoulder. "You just focus on healing, okay?" Donna said. "I'll do what I can to help."

　

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

　

It had been two weeks since the Doctor had smashed his disco stick. For the first week, Donna had helped him a lot and when he was in too much pain to stand up, she would fetch things for him. He really appreciated it. However, the truth was that he had been fully healed for a week. Something held him back from telling Donna. He was getting kind of stir-crazy from not going on an adventure. He didn't like lulls in his life if he could avoid them. Domesticity could get boring after a while. He loved Donna, but he needed a trip to a planet. Therefore, he had taken her to a planet that was supposed to have the best roller-coasters in the universe. Unfortunately, he had not had the proper currency to pay for some tasty, fried treats, as the vendor didn't take credits. That, of course, led to their current situation. The vendor was chasing after him and Donna with a rather large knife. The duo, of course, was running from said vendor. The Doctor quickly spotted another stall and pulled Donna behind it. "Doctor, why didn't you, of all people, have the right currency?" Donna grumbled.

　

"I didn't know that the vendors didn't take credits!" the Doctor protested. "I rarely carry around loose currency! Most establishments take credits!"

　

"They're street vendors!" Donna exclaimed. "On Earth, most street vendors don't even take cheques!"

　

The Doctor was about to say something, but the fried meat vendor looked around the stall and spotted them. He shouted something in an alien language and waved the knife. "Time to run again!" the Doctor shouted before grabbing Donna's hand and pulling her after him.

　

When the Doctor and Donna escaped to the TARDIS, the Time Lord decided that it was time to get out of there. When they had left the planet, Donna seemed to realize something. "You were able to run." She said accusingly. "You're healed!"

　

"No!" the Doctor exclaimed. He grabbed his groin and said, "Oh no, it still hurts! Ow!"

　

"You've been healed all this time!" Donna shouted. A hurt expression appeared on her face as she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

　

"Um..." The Doctor rubbed his arm awkwardly.

　

"I wouldn't have pushed it if you didn't want it, but I want to make love with you!" Donna shouted. "Is having sex with me _really_ that much of a chore? Why did it have to be today, of all days?"

　

"Donna-" the Doctor tried to say, but his partner began to walk away. "Donna, wait!"

　

The Doctor leaned against the console as Donna stormed off. The Time Lord sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Why did it have to happen like this? What was so special about today? The Doctor turned around and accessed the Earth-oriented calendar. It was then that he realized that today was Valentine's Day. He needed to do something to make things better. The problem was that he didn't know how. So, he did what any man did in a crisis: he turned to the Universal Internet. He knew that he would do his best to make things right and hopefully make today the best Valentine's Day ever for Donna Noble.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand, now the story ends and leads up into How To Sweep A Human Off Her Feet! It took me too long to get this up. I apologize for that. Now the trilogy is complete!


End file.
